KIERAN DROPS ANOTHER CLANGER WITH A ‘BANGER’!

In this month’s announcement from our Kieran,(http://www.tameside.gov.uk/blog/leader/)  the leader spoke better than he knew, when he announced, “The Council will use every tool available…” because it seems to me that that has been the council’s problem for many years!

In launching his ‘Vision-Tameside’ (which in my opinion, ‘visions’ should generally remain in the realm of crazed mystics) which involves remodeling Ashton's market square thus pushing all Tameside residents into the council’s ‘Procrustean Bed’ he announced yet another hastily borrowed slogan, namely ‘Shop Local, Eat Local, Buy Local’ and illustrated his musings with a pile of pork sausages!

Now this could have gone better, because according to Health Experts, the amount and type of food you eat has a major influence on your health. If you eat a well-balanced diet, it can reduce your risk of various diseases as well as help you to maintain a healthy weight.

In fact, even on the council’s own website it tells us that a nutritious balanced diet is central to establishing the foundations for improved standards of health and well being throughout society, and warns that people who eat an unhealthy diet high in saturated fat, salt and sugar have a higher risk of obesity and type 2 diabetes; and in later life, becoming obese.

While sausage does have a good amount of protein in it, it is also a processed meat, so it is absolutely loaded with sodium and various chemicals (nitrites, etc.). On average, each 50g serving of processed meat per day - the equivalent of a sausage - was associated with a 42% higher chance of developing coronary heart disease and a 19% higher risk of diabetes.

So a better illustration might have been a mouth-watering display of fresh locally grown products. (Memories of Ashton Moss spring to mind!)

So, as if flogging sausages was not enough for the misguided marketing man he followed on from the councils last disastrously expensive ‘vision’ (That's where the council were persuaded to set up an office in Second Life, the virtual world that was meant to revolutionise their services, by allowing people to 'walk' in to the building and obtain advice about local services without leaving their home!); with yet another 'image of prophetic significance, which makes one wonder whether those self-same ‘persuaders' have been allowed back into the hallowed hall again?

Continuing in a style reminiscent of the Danish folk tale ‘The Emperor’s new clothes’ Kieran Quinn, our present council Leader went on to tell us, “One of the many distinctive things Tameside has to offer is the broad array of independent shops, cafes, restaurants and wonderful markets!”

Now I don't know to which Tameside's town his fantasy refers, however, I feel that his story should of gone something like this…

...Once upon a time there was a Council Leader who loved outdoor markets! He loved markets more than anything else! So, every year on the occasion of his speech to the people, he would ask for lots of ideas on how to modernise his borough's markets.

The Council Leader loved markets so much that he used to have one in every town! Ashton, (the biggest) Stalybridge, Hyde, Mossley, Droylsden and Denton. And he loved them so much that he would send out various members of his inner circle, wearing litter-pickers outfits, to visit them several times a week, where photographs would be taken to hand to the local press

Several years past and despite his councils many attempts at moderisation, he found his markets declining, so much so that he was left with only a handful of outdoor markets in the entire borough.

Then, one fine summers day, it was rumored that two strangers had been allowed to address the inner circle at the Town Hall.

“We can make your markets into the most beautiful outdoor markets in the country; so much so that everyone will want markets like yours” they said, bowing low to the Leader.

“Ah, this is what I've always wished for” thought the Leader. “To be able to offer the most beautiful outdoor markets in the country.”

“You shall make me these beautiful outdoor markets,” ordered the Leader and ordered the Borough Treasurer to ‘up the council tax’ and give the strangers a couple of £million to get on with drawing up the plans, firstly, as an experiment, for Hyde’s market !

For weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks the strangers worked on plans for the markets and wouldn't let anybody see what they were doing.

But the Leader and his Cabinet grew impatient; they wanted to see an example of the towns’ new markets now! So one day he demanded to see them! When the strangers showed them to him the Leader looked all around the room.
  
Firstly, to his market adviser, John Taylor… and then at the rest of the crew, who all stood around nodding and smiling!

 “Where are the new markets I have paid you £millions you to make,” demanded the Leader!

“But they are right here, councillor,” said the first stranger, pointing to a few lines on a plain white sheet of parchment. “This is the new Hyde market. What do you think? Aren’t the stalls constructed with the most delightful material, the most sparkling colours, and the most fashionable designs?”

The Leader looked around confused; he couldn't see anything, but thousands of plain paving slabs!

“I can’t see any market at all,” the Leader said.

Addressing the room, the strangers said. “These outdoor markets are so special and rare that only the cleverest people can see them. They are too fine to be seen by the stupid and the ignorant; that is the magic of these amazing new markets!”

“Oh of course, of course” said the Leader to his nodding crew (not wanting to appear stupid or ignorant). “These new market designs are beautiful; this is just what I've always wanted! I’m sure my new outdoor markets will be greatly admired by all of my people. – Get on and demolish the old ones immediately and build the new ones starting with Ashton!”

“Well,” said the strangers “As you can see the final plans are not quite finished yet. But if you could pay us a few more £millions, we’re sure we could have them ready in time for the big parade.”

The Leader, knowing of the huge surpluses his administration had amassed over the last 35 years, promised to pay the strangers anything they wanted if they would have the new market square in Ashton ready for the big opening parade. He wanted everybody in Tameside to see it!

So, the Borough Treasurer stumped up another £4.5million to get the ball rolling!

The day of the big parade came and the two strangers presented the Leader with his new outdoor market.

“Everyone will admire you, my lord councillor.  The new market looks most wonderful,” said the strangers.

By this time the ‘news’ had been put out in carefully worded press releases and carried continuously by the local papers and social media, that the new market was so special that it could only be seen by clever people and, not wanting to appear stupid or ignorant, all the councillors and the civil servants from the Town Hall said…

“How beautiful!  What colours! What style! Your new market plans are magnificent, Dear Leader!"

“Oh dear,” thought the Leader. “All my Cabinet colleagues, including Taylor, can see the benefits of my new market, but I can’t. Does this mean I’m stupid and ignorant and not fit to be the Council Leader? I will have to pretend I can see it so that nobody thinks I’m stupid. No-one can know the truth!”

When it was time for the big parade the Leader said “Follow me” to his friends on the council, and marched out of Town Hall and onto the streets.

Crowds of people lined the road and watched the Leader and the big parade. There was the ‘Black Knight’ on horseback, huge floats with steel drums and smartly dressed children parading along the street all heading for the star attraction; the Leaders new market!

The crowds, predominately made up of Labour activists and thousands of social housing tenants who had been lobbied mercilessly on their doorsteps by members of Deputy Taylor’s posse, had had it drummed into them in leaflet form that only clever people could see the Leader’s new market, and so, not wanting to appear stupid or ignorant, they all complied by shouting in UNISON:

“What a lovely market!” “Doesn't it look smart?”  “What a lovely market!” “Doesn't it look smart?” 

The Leader was very pleased that everyone was admiring his new outdoor market , even if he couldn't see it himself!

Suddenly, a little lone voice from the crowd shouted out…

“Hang on! What bloody market, …There’s only a few stalls here! …Where are the people? …What’s happened to the fresh food from locally grown sources? …There’s now’t but second-hand books, dubious mobile phone replacement parts, smoking requisites, the ubiquitous  printed tee-shirts,Grey scallyjoggers and fifteen stalls selling bloody anoraks. …It’s crap!”

A hushed silence fell over the crowd and the big parade stopped… Then… Everyone suddenly burst out shouting!

“Eh, the lad’s right,” they said. “The Leaders new market is crap!”

The Leader blushed and went red. They were right… He hadn't created a new market at all!”

“Quick,” he shouted to his Deputy, John Taylor, who was unsuccessfully hiding his latest Che Guevara tee-shirt under his Day-Glo litter picking garb. “I must return to my office and put a stop to the plans I've passed to build a New Town Hall! - I should never have trusted those strangers who only wanted to flatter me and take our taxpayers’ money!”

From that day on, the Leader gave local bloggers an important job in his administration because they were the only people who had told the truth. And, to this day, whenever the council leader needs advice he will always ask the local bloggers first. Because they know the wishes and needs of the townsfolk better than any of his sycophantic crew.

Yeah, right!