Apparently Tameside’s only remaining Santa has been given
the sack after telling the young offspring of a ‘green’ Tameside family that he
would not be delivering presents this year because their mummy and daddy had
installed solar panels on their roof.
According to a spokesperson from Tameside council’s ‘elf
& safety’ Gnome Diversity Department, I was informed that, “…parking a
fully loaded sleigh on a glass covered slopping roof is considered extremely
dangerous and therefore the traditional Christmas delivery system has had to be
shelved!” He went on, “…it was bad enough when every bloody year we got some
obese Santa getting stuck up a chimney, so it was decided at last week’s full
council meeting that this extra hazard was just a risk too far …It’s just not
on!”
In dramatic scenes here earlier today, the redundant Father
Christmas (otherwise known as Santa Claus) had to be
detained by Tameside’s Hobby Bobbies on suspicion of being extremely inebriated
while trying to kick-start a posse of defecating reindeer in the middle of
Hyde’s new £1.3 million Civic Square.
However, when I questioned a couple of onlookers who had
wandered into Hyde by mistake, I was told by Mr Ali Bye (22) A Job Centre
Employee, from Stalybridge; that this was not the first Tameside
Santa to have been made redundant. He said, “…It’s typical of Tameside council. ...it also goes some way to explain
why year on year, the towns Christmas trees are getting ‘piddling and
small’. He explained "Last year I got fourteen
Santa's jobs in Tameside, this year only two; one cried off with Norovirus and now the other one's been arrested. ...The reason the council called for less Santa’s is
'cause four of ‘um last year got mugged, two arrested for shopliftin’, one for
child molestin’, and two done for being drunk in charge of inflatable reindeer!"
For those of you who are interested in the fate of the
reindeer, well, they were incarcerated overnight behind Hyde Police Station
before being shipped over to Blackpool zoo where they were given some fresh hay
from a recently vacated nativity play.
Merry Christmas from Tameside.
Best Wishes to you all and look forward to a blogging good
year in 2013
Curmudgeon
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